The Top Eleven (Or Fifteen, Depending On How You Count Them) Best Original Music Videos On YouTube

So, I’ve been watching a lot of music videos on YouTube recently; actually, that’s pretty normal, right? Who doesn’t watch YouTube videos besides undiscovered tribes, inbred cults deep in the darkest forests, malevolent shadow people and anyone who died before 2005?

Yep, that’s basically all of them right there…

Yep, that’s basically all of them right there…

But I’ve been watching the videos by original music video artists; as in, they’re only on Youtube- not CD or anything. So, Toby Keith and Maroon Five? Not on this list. These guys don’t sell their songs- except on iTunes. I’m including covers and parodies, because damn there are some good ones out there. Let’s get to it, shall we?

In no particular order here:

God Bless the U.S.A. by The Gardiner Sisters

Kicking off our list is a truly patriotic cover song. I frickin’ love these girls. They’re great singers, what can I say? Also, they’re Mormons, which is kind of a point against them, but I’m all for the First Amendment, so why bring it up? Whatever, their softer tuned version of the Lee Greenwood song really does make you “proud to be an American.”

Ah, I’m gonna go hug a soldier, I’ll be back.

Stronger by Cimorelli

Personally, I’m not as big a fan of Cimorelli as I am the Gardiner Sisters- I’ve always liked the softer songs over pop covers, but this one was too good to pass up. It’s a frickin’ amazing song sung by beautiful women and it’s at the beach! What more can a man ask for?

Answer: Not Much

Answer: Not Much

Plus, it’s going to a noble cause, helping a paraplegic girl pay for her therapy. Aww…

Pennsylvania Style by SloppySecondzMusic

Yes, SSM has a dirty sounding name, get off of my back! Anyways, this song is perfect for me: Gangnam Style? Catchy. Pennsylvania? Home state. Pennsylvania Style: a catchy, hilarious song about my home state!

By the way, Philly girls totally look like that.

pennsy

Google Translate Sings… All of Them by Malinda Kathleen Reese

I laugh my ass off every time I watch these. They’re frickin’ hilarious! Google Translate seems to have the translational powers of a mentally retarded, two month old pot-smoking chimpanzee in these videos; all of which are uproariously, piss-yourself hilarious. Here’s my three favorites:

Also, of somewhat relevant note, I used to think Iggy Azalea was a dude prior to watching the music video. Can you really blame me? “Iggy.” It’s such a guy name!

The People of Walmart by Jessica Frech

Jesus Christ these are frickin’ hilarious. Also, I like how she puts the disclaimer at the beginning of the videos assuring you she’s not making this shit up.

Also, I’m kind of uncomfortable with the idea of the White Witch living in the same dimension as us! She broke in man! The government’s hiding it! We’ve gotta stop her! She’s gonna kill us all!

What Philly didn’t realize in those final moments before being sedated was that it was far too late…

What Philly didn’t realize in those final moments before being sedated was that it was far too late…

Black Friday Night by Jessica Frech… Again

Whoah! A twofer! This one’s just hilarious, because my mother, aunt and grandmothers (from both sides of the family; they’re not lesbians you sickos!) do this same routine every single year. And I play this song for them before they set out to the Battle of Prices Round Sixteen. Also, I made my own version of the song before this one came out. Here it is, in all it’s terrible glory:

“Black Friday Night, We went shopping in the dark, We couldn’t find a spot to park, Black Friday Night…”

And that’s it. I like this version better, it’s more complete.

Shoppers of Walmart by SloppySecondzMusic… Also Again

Again with Walmart. You, you’ve got problems, Walmart. I worry about you. This one’s a lot dirtier than innocent Frechie’s, but it’s also hilarious and goddammit is it catchy!

A Soldier’s Memoir by Joe Bachman

This one’s a hell of a lot more solemn than the other songs here, but it’s important and I like it a lot. Plus, it’s important that we understand the fact that PTSD is serious and needs treatment. DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME, OBAMA? REFORM THE GODDAMN VA NOW!

To any veterans reading this, thank-you for your service.

soldier

Comin’ Home by Dave Adams

Let’s get happy again, shall we? PTSD is sad, and I don’t want this to be a sad post. This one’s for all the veterans “comin’ home to America.” It’s also badass and catchy as hell. Some of those videos *sniffle* will make you wanna cry. I’m sorry, I sniffed some pepper, I’ll be back *runs off crying*

The Final Countdown Guitar Cover by Sylphid63

I was debating whether or not to include this one, since really the only thing changed is that the guy played an electric guitar over the original song, and the fact that the guy’s username sounds vaguely like “syphilis” but decided to include it anyway because it’s an awesome electric guitar, and who gives a shit about a username?

usernames

Here it is, in all its electric guitar glory:

Aer Vis by The Warrior Project

THIS is frickin’ badass as all hell. Just… words cannot even describe the sheer awesomeness of this song. An almost chilling opening monologue, followed by strategically placed electric guitar strings, an amazing beat and the badass Curtis LeMay providing a badass quote, this is by far the best original song on YouTube I have ever heard.

Here in the air where the lead won’t lie, and the graves I’ll dig are a mile-wide!

Here in the air where the lead won’t lie, and the graves I’ll dig are a mile-wide!

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Rick Rescorla and Daniel Hill: The 9/11 Psychics

Continuing with 9/11 week here, I bring you Rick Resorcla, a badass across two centuries, but mostly this one. Badass of the Week- a site of far greater caliber than my blog- did an article on Rescorla a while back, but didn’t really mention his later heroics. Basically, he was the closest thing the human race has had to a credible future-seer since the dude who predicted Caesar’s assassination.

Rescorla delivers the Long Island Medium a message

Rescorla delivers the Long Island Medium a message

But what kind of history blog am I running here if I don’t touch on his backstory? He was born in Cornwall in 1939 and quit school to join the British Army when he was sixteen. You know what I was doing when I was sixteen? Writing this blog post. Whoa… that sounded a bit mind-screwy…

He did over the course of many years some badass shit with the Military Intelligence on Cyprus and in Rhodesia, uncovering asshole commie plots to make life miserable for people.

No word on how many zeppelins he crashed or femme fatales he boned while he did such clandestine shit…

No word on how many zeppelins he crashed or femme fatales he boned while he did such clandestine shit…

Then he wound up fighting commies in Angola and Zimbabwe in the British South African Police in the sixties. Basically, his entire early career was a cross between Skyfall and District 9 with less aliens and more communists.

Shortly thereafter he switched nationalities from James Bond to Jack Ryan and went to fight in the Vietnam War.

Eat our rotors!!!

Eat our rotors!!!

As Badass of the Week excellently demonstrated (if you want double the humor for this post, I’ll post a link to the article at the bottom for youse guys) while dudes over here, in America, were burning draft cards and bras and draft card bras, running to Canada with peace signs in the hippie buses to not go fight for their country, this fine man fucking volunteered to fight for us. As in completely optional, voluntary I-demand-you-give-me-commies-to-grease-my-rifle-barrel-with.

If a Volkswagen can survive hippies, it can survive a direct thermonuclear strike. END. OF. DISCUSSION.

If a Volkswagen can survive hippies, it can survive a direct thermonuclear strike. END. OF. DISCUSSION.

And yes, he fought in the Battle of la Drang; the first major battle in the war. The one where Sergeant Major Basil Plumley shouted “GENTLEMEN!!! PREPARE TO DEFEND YOURSELVES!!!” The one they based the movie We Were Soldiers on. Sadly, and much to his own chagrin, his story was omitted from that movie. I still recommend it though.

He also basically single-handedly saved the battalion from being overrun in a night ambush. Also, his call sign was Hard Corps One Six, which means he was essentially the semi-inspiration for this song:

As I said, Badass of the Week goes into much greater detail on his military career than I wish to here. I wanna talk about his 9/11 heroics.

And before you even THINK about it, no, Rescorla was NOT one of the brainwashed former soldiers Dylan Avery tried to use to blow up the Trade Center. Just… read my last post, it’ll make more sense.

And before you even THINK about it, no, Rescorla was NOT one of the brainwashed former soldiers Dylan Avery tried to use to blow up the Trade Center. Just… read my last post, it’ll make more sense.

He… how do you say this? He took shit fucking seriously, working for Morgan Stanley/Dean Witter in corporate security in the World Trade Center.

After the 1988 bombing of Pan Am 103 over Scotland…

… he got worried about a terrorist attack on the World Trade Center. So, he called in his old friend from Rhodesia who was trained in counterterrorism, Daniel Hill, to assess its security. They also probably bullshitted about some battle they got involved in in a city that started with a “B.”

Rescorla asked Hill how he would attack the building if he wanted to bring it down, and the two went on a trip down to the parking garage, without getting stopped by any security, to assess the towers’ weakpoints.

Pictured: Hill finding the weakpoints

Pictured: Hill finding the weakpoints

The spot Hill picked was a very easily reached load bearing column and basically said that if he were a terrorist, he’d shove a bunch of dynamite up a truck’s ass, ram the pillar, run away and set it off.

In light of this, Rescorla and Hill wrote a report to the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, insisting they needed more security down there.

If nothing else, at LEAST to keep the monsters down there…

If nothing else, at LEAST to keep the monsters down there…

But, the Port Authority gave them a big, fat wad of bureaucracy and said it was too damn expensive.

Cut ahead to 1993 and they ate their words. As you know, the exact scenario Hill predicted happened, only it didn’t take down the tower.

Rescorla, saying “fuck the authorities, they’re hopeless!” decided to take matters into his own hands and hired Hill as a security consultant to analyze the building’s security. In case you haven’t noticed, he was really determined to not have shit hit the fan on his watch, or at least have a plan of action if it did.

So- and no arrests had been made as of this point- Rescorla deduced that the bombings were probably planned by Muslims, either Palestinians or Iraqis. Hill went full undercover and fucking infiltrated the fucking Muslim religion after letting his beard grow out and attend services at several mosques in New Jersey under the guise of an anti-American radical, speaking fluent Arabic to flawlessly infiltrate them, probably constantly humming  Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the U.S.A.” under his breath so the whole thing wouldn’t backfire and actually turn him into a radical anti-American.

If that doesn’t motivate you to fight your enemies, nothing will.

So Hill- legally not even a mall cop– got followers of the radical Sheikh Omar Abdel Rahman convicted of the bombing.

This also culminated with Hill storming the Sheikh’s yacht and rescuing untold numbers of sex slaves

This also culminated with Hill storming the Sheikh’s yacht and rescuing untold numbers of sex slaves

You know, one of the lovely things about real life is that it’s so much more insane than fiction, so I’ll tell you right now that I made approximately zero percent of the following up.

After the bombing, Rescorla thought that Morgan Stanley should move out of the Trade Center because he thought it was still a prime terrorist target, and thought the next one might involve planes.

Again though, his words went ignored, although he did get everyone from the top executives to the lowly cubicle drones to practice evacuation drills every three months. Rescorla understandably thought that the authorities were fucking useless after they failed to listen to him in 1990, so he didn’t believe first responders would be very reliable in an emergency. As such, he planned surprise fire drills at random intervals to keep everyone on their toes for the real thing.

surprise

Obviously, all of the higher-up executives despised him for getting in the way of their work with his super-secret birthday surprise party fire drills, but those fucks should be grateful now. Also, he timed them, as if he couldn’t get any more badass.

Dammit Atkinson! You’re .00001 seconds late! Run back to the top! NO ELEVATORS!!!

Dammit Atkinson! You’re .00001 seconds late! Run back to the top! NO ELEVATORS!!!

Also, Rescorla and Hill were no fan of the police response at Columbine. Honestly, they seriously said this: The police were sitting outside while kids were getting killed. They should have put themselves between the perpetrators and the victims. That was abject cowardice.” Rescorla felt that if he and Hill were younger, they “could have flown to Colorado, gone in that building, and ended that shit before the law did.”

And I would have done it too, but I’m kind of swamped with averting other disasters here. Guys, gimme just a FIVE MINUTE BREAK!!!

And I would have done it too, but I’m kind of swamped with averting other disasters here. Guys, gimme just a FIVE MINUTE BREAK!!!

When the first plane hit the North Tower on September 11th, Rescorla was just sitting in his office, probably fiddling with a pencil or brandishing his Bowie knife when he dramatically turned to see the explosion just across the street.

His higher-ups ordered him not to use his evacuation plan, because, well, he said it best over a quick phone call to Dan Hill, who was watching it on TV: “The dumb sons of bitches told me not to evacuate. They said it’s just Building One. I told them I’m getting my people the fuck out of here.”

This not-so retired badass said “fuck that shit” and jumped into action, his crazy Nostradamus shit suddenly not so crazy as he evacuated two-thousand and seven hundred people out of the tower within seventeen minutes of the North Tower being hit. All those people were long out before the South Tower was hit. His executive-annoying antics had lowered the casualty rate by almost 3,000.

He sang old Cornish folk songs to calm the people as he evacuated them, and gave a tearful goodbye to his wife, saying “Stop crying. I have to get these people out safely. If something should happen to me, I want you to know I’ve never been happier. You made my life.”

tears

One of his friends- not Hill- said that everyone had to get out NOW, Rescorla refused. “As soon as I make sure everyone else is out!” he assured, running back up.

He was last seen on the 10th floor heading up, shortly before the South Tower collapsed at 9:59am.

He died saving innocent people’s lives. He fought for us in Vietnam; he died for us on September 11th. Let that sink in.

God Bless, and…

 neverforget

http://www.badassoftheweek.com/rescorla.html

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The Debunker Files: The 9/11 Conspiracy

This is a big one. THE big one; the elephant in the living room of mysteries. It happened thirteen years ago, and yet it’s still so fresh in our minds, the horror of our nation under attack by a foreign enemy for the first time since 1941. I was only three when it happened, and yet it’s terribly sad that I care more about it and know more about it than fucking college students.

You are all disgraces to your country.

I have never watched Loose Change. I never intend to; I already know it’s an assload of bullshit. However, I have met a person who has seen it. He’s an asshole. A complete and utter jackass to me, solely because I’m a level-minded conservative. Seriously. He’s the anti-me. An ultra-liberal, conspiracy theorist and a NEW Atheist- I find the need to BOLDLY EXLCAIM THE “NEW” PART BECAUSE MOST REGULAR ATHEISTS AREN’T ASSHOLES AND ARE ACTUALLY RATHER AMIABLE. He also thinks the U.S. didn’t land on the Moon, but that’s another Debunker Files topic for another time. But anyways, he seemed to be rather… not clear on his reasons why the government would even want to do something like this.

That’s the big issue: forget if they did it for a few paragraphs; why would they even want to. What do they gain from it?

“Oil, man!” says Dylan Avery, the nongender who directed Loose Change. I say “nongender” because he’s not a man, but he’s not even manly enough to be a woman, for Kim Campbell and Joan of Arc have proven that woman have balls, dammit. So, he’s nongendered.

Well, Dylan, you’re wrong. Where does the United States get its oil from? Let’s look at data from Energy Trends Insider, shall we?

Move it along paragraphs! Make way for the big chart!

Move it along paragraphs! Make way for the big chart!

So, we’ve actually taken less oil from Iraq since the invasion, and Afghanistan is such a loser it didn’t even make the chart. The article also states that the all time high for U.S. imports of Iraqi oil was in 2001. Right… before… the attacks…. Also, somehow we took on an assload of Texas Tea from Colombia, completely out of left field. Hmm…

Also, what sane government would purposely bomb its own military nexus? Did you think of that, Dylan. Even the most psychopathic loon North Korea has to offer wouldn’t bomb their main military command center. Why would we? It’s shooting ourselves in the foot; it accomplishes nothing. I thought your conspiracy guys were supposed to be cunning…

Alright, now that I’ve poked a goddamn sinkhole in that theory, what’s your next point, Dylan

“Uh, well, you’re stupid! And the towers went down in a controlled demolition!”

Who rigged them up?

“Uh… the military! Yeah, they sound evil enough… they did it!”

What part of it? Honestly, these are people whose entire job is to protect their country, not kill 3,000 of its citizens! Besides, we all know that disgruntled military members only hijack tanks…

And even if they managed to swing a few disgruntled psycho soldiers- or regular, brainwashed Marines (oh, that sounds like a good plot for a spy movie. Somebody do that!) over to rig up the buildings, how the fuck did nobody notice? Hmm? They were punching holes in the building for a controlled demolition! Do you know how many people worked in the Twin Towers daily? One hundred thousand. Holy shit; I see maybe a quarter that many people in my entire day on public transit, counting out the window.

But, it could be done, right? I mean, sure our guys have to work under cover of darkness and hide every last bit of bomb and torn out wall by day, but sure, why not? They’d only need over eight thousand charges, right? It took four-thousand to bring down the J.L. Hudson department store. Those guys, even with important things like the building not being full of people and the operation being legal, took seven fucking months to rig it up right. Building demolition isn’t just “shit man, let’s just put a firecracker in this corner and a 37 kiloton nuke in that one”; that’s precise shit there! One misplaced charge and you accidentally bring down two buildings, but we’ll talk about that in a second.

Remember meeeeeeeeee.....

Remember meeeeeeeeee…..

And nobody notices. Ever. Honestly? Sometimes, when I have deja vu, I seriously ponder if my entire life isn’t just a simulation with all the people being robots! You’re telling me that nobody out of one hundred thousand people was even the slightest bit weirded out by the… different drywall. Or the fact that their desk is a bit more slanted than they remember, because one asshole brainwashed jarhead bumped into it while running the detonator coil back to Evil Headquarters.

That's a REALLY LONG DETONATOR WIRE!!!!!!!

That’s a REALLY LONG DETONATOR WIRE!!!!!!!

Nobody notices all the trucks with detonators and charges sticking out of them sitting in the back lot. Nobody from one of the neighboring buildings videotapes- even just out of curiosity- the workers shuffling in and out of the building like the soulless pod people they are, carrying big, bulky bombs in their arms. In a world where we take pictures of our cats and treat them like Van Gogh pieces, I find this wholly, completely, fucking retardedly unrealistic.

Security notices nothing. Video cameras are all glitching out. Bomb sniffing dogs need to get their sniffers checked.

 

Fido, voiced by Paul Newman, is a disgraced former sniffer dog who failed in his duty and inadvertently caused a national tragedy. Now, he's a soldier for hire, private detective ninja pirate dog on a mission to save the adjutant governor's daughter from space alien mobsters while cracking a cipher that will lead him to the Temple of Mysterious MacGuffin's Treasure...

Colonel Fido, voiced by Paul Newman, is a disgraced former sniffer dog who failed in his duty and inadvertently caused a national tragedy. Now, he’s a soldier for hire, private detective ninja pirate dog on a mission to save the adjutant governor’s daughter from space alien mobsters while cracking a cipher that will lead him to the Temple of Mysterious MacGuffin’s Treasure…

“But Philly, all those people that could have stopped it were paid into silence!” whines Avery.

Oh really? Who the fuck on this planet has enough money to pay off FEMA, NIST, American Society of Civil Engineers, Popular Mechanics and the motherfucking New York City Fire Department, and everyone else involved?

“The government!!!”

Come on! Let’s assume they all go by my standards- my lowest, realistic standards- on what I would need for silence: 500 million.

I have high aspirations for life, okay?

I have high aspirations for life, okay?

So, let’s whup out our calculators here and… what? You didn’t bring yours? FINE! I’ll do all the fucking work myself! You people are so ungrateful!

Alright, 120,000 civil engineers- I find it of note that that’s more people than worked in the Trade Centers- 7,500 FEMA employees, 2,900 NIST employees, fifty top-ranking NYFD officials willing to let their coworkers get brutally burned to death and buried under thousands of pounds of skyscraper and ballpark estimate a hundred guys at Popular Mechanics- just the big names involved- and that rounds us out to 65,275,000,000,000.

Also known as: HOLY SHIT BRICKS A FUCKTON OF MONEY!!!! That makes the national debt of 17 trillion look like goddamn peanuts! So, no Avery, the government could not have funded this, even if they really wanted to.

“But the towers did go down in a controlled demolition! There’s no other way for it to have happened! The towers were designed to take a plane crash! And no other office building ever collapsed due to fire! And you’re still stupid!”

Well, that may be, but you’re still wrong. See, the Twin Towers were built to withstand an impact from a Boeing 707- the most common airliner of the day- and a fuel-starved, terribly lost one innocently trying to find its way back to the airport…

M-Mommy? Where are you, mommy?

M-Mommy? Where are you, mommy?

.. and not, say, a fully-loaded 757 fresh from Logan International on their way across the country. Also, no office building was ever left without water on it for that long. This was mostly because that would need a really long ass hose. They never had a chance to fight fire with… water.

You're gonna need a bigger truck...

You’re gonna need a bigger truck…

Really the only thing they could do was spit on it, and even then the NYFD was kind of swamped bringing people down with no elevators to do even that. Also, the plane’s initial impact killed the sprinklers, in cold blood. Poor smoke detectors never even had a chance. Never forget.

“But Philly,” Avery whines, “the Empire State Building got hit by a bomber in WWII, and it survived just fine!”

Touche...

Touche…

Yeah, but, believe it or not, the Empire State building is significantly more durable than the World Trade Center was. This conclusively proves that art deco is superior to modernism, but also describes perfectly something I described above. The Empire State Building was hit by a B-25 Mitchell, one of the most interesting warplanes of all time…
I don't always spend thirty seconds over Tokyo, but when I do, I follow up by disappearing into the Monongahela River, crash mysteriously in a UFO conspiracy and get a starring role dogfighting a dragon in a Zack Snyder movie...

I don’t always spend thirty seconds over Tokyo, but when I do, I follow up by disappearing into the Monongahela River, crash mysteriously in a UFO conspiracy and get a starring role dogfighting a dragon in a Zack Snyder movie…

… but this one in particular was hopelessly lost and fuel-starved in the fog and just sort of blundered into the skyscraper. But c’mon; we all know the real reason they crashed into it:
Perhaps today IS a good day to die! Prepare for ramming speed!

Perhaps today IS a good day to die! Prepare for ramming speed!

“W-Well what about the no stand down order? From NORAD? Hmm? They were clearly in on it!”

Actually, before 9/11, NORAD didn’t even monitor American airspace. Their job was kind of to make sure Russia didn’t fuck America with missiles, not worry about aircraft hijackings. And they DID send up two jets, to intercept Flight 93. That’s another story for another time, but I’ll touch upon it a bit.

Lieutenant Heather “Lucky” Penney was scrambled in her F-16 Fighting Falcon with very clear orders: fuck Flight 93 with any weapons she had, at this point confirmed hijacked. Problems? Yeah, she had no weapons with which to fuck the hijacked aircraft. No missiles, no guns. Her jet was a declawed kitten in the realm of air combat. Her plan of action? Make good on Worf’s eternal words and ram the damn thing.

Seriously.

Ahmed, who in the name of Allah is Leeroy Jenkins?

Ahmed, who in the name of Allah is Leeroy Jenkins?

Thankfully, she and the other badass pilot in the air at the time, Colonel Marc Sasseville, didn’t have to go kamikaze on Flight 93. The passenger revolt made sure of that. Which brings me right into my next interruption from Dylan. What is it now, Dylan?

“Everyone on Flight 93 was in on it too!”

You sick fuck! Haven’t you ever heard or read about the phone calls? Todd Beamer and the other passengers!

“But there was no wreckage! No wreckage, no plane!”

Allow me to let my pictures do the talking:

Pictured: wreckage

Pictured: wreckage

Also pictured: wreckage.

Pictured: more wreckage.

“What about the Pentagon? Obvious missile hit! There’s not even any wing marks!”

Well, I think this video sums it up rather nicely:

Sorry it wasn’t very funny. Or sound-y.

Is that all?

“No! What about World Trade Center 7? That wasn’t hit by any planes and it collapsed!”

Uh, it spent eight goddamn hours taking a shower with debris from the North Tower like a meteor storm. Of course it’s gonna collapse after taking that kind of punishment.

“And the NYFD said ‘pull it down’ right before it collapsed!”

What kind of talk is that? They did not! They said “pull it!” Meaning “get out, the building’s unstable!” Not “evil, evil, evil, blow it up with our comical pump detonator while twirling our moustaches! Nyah!”

Actually, now that I think of it, didn’t you have a thing on Loose Change’s website a while ago saying flat out that this was all fake, and that you made it all up wholecloth? Yeah, I’m pretty sure you did. Here, I’ll check it out…

loosechange

Hmm, well that’s odd. Let me refresh it…

loosechange

Hey, Dylan, why isn’t this thing showing up?

“Uh, no reason?”

Is that a question or an answer?

“Do you want 500 million dollars?”

HOLY FUCK!!! You did it! You caused 9/11!!!

“Well, technically I just hired al Qaeda to do the dirty work for me, but hey, 500 millis, man!”

You sick fuck! How dare you! Do you think I’ll accept that?

“Uh, Yeah…”

No! I refuse! FOX! CNN! MSNBC! New York Times! TIME! EVERYONE GET YOUR ASSES OVER HERE NOW!!!

NOOOO! We’ve worked far to long at this for you to fuck it all up now! Philly, prepare to die!”

What are you doing? Put the gun down!

“No! I’ll have to kill you now, now that you’ve exposed us!”

Quick, Avery! Look! A news crew! Bask in the attention you so desperately crave!

“This is CNN! Dylan, what’s going on here?”

“Uh, nothing. Everything’s fine.”

Like lightning, I draw my radio. “Hey, Lt. Heather, I’m gonna need air support and I’m gonna need it fast.”

“Who did you just call?” Dylan demands.

"THIS time we brought missiles, bitch!!!"

“THIS time we brought missiles, bitch! Colonel, let’s do this! HEEEEEAAATHER PENNEEEEEEEEYYY!!!!!!”

“Oh shi-“

Whoo-hoo! Disaster averted! Hi-five, guys! I’m gonna go watch Non-Stop now, okay?  Here’s some links to the fine fucks whose research I shamelessly stole but honorably credit for this article:

 

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The Debunker Files: Abandoned By Disney

Well, here’s the second amazing Debunker Files! Since my family is going on a trip to Disney World in five days, I figured this one would be perfect for the occasion! It also helps distract me from  a crippling fear of flying, but whatever. So, let us get to the debunking part of the file, eh?

Okay, first of all holy shit that is a long-ass story, so I won’t be posting the whole thing here. Basically, Disney wanted to build a theme park called Mowgli’s Palace near Emerald Isle in the Outer Banks of North Carolina, upsetting many Confederates who were just itching to “get back in the game.”

Now, it’s rather obvious that this story is bullcrap; but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true… yeah, that’s what I meant to say. It runs on suspense, building up to the “GACK!” part via, well, suspense.

Alright, Emerald Isle is literally a block wide at most. Whoa, I just had déjà vu back to the Gadianton Canyon article.

Pictured: Not Ireland

Pictured: Not Ireland

Now, Mowgli’s Palace never existed. Seriously, check Google Earth, like I did. There’s just forests on the mainland; no hidden palaces or anything. Damn you Hubble! Ruining our stories!

“But wait a minute, Philly,” you dispute, “I’ve seen satellite pictures of Mowgli’s Palace on AboveTopSecret and Fark!”

Oh, you mean this one?

Ooooh-weeeee-ooooh!

Ooooh-weeeee-ooooh!

“Yeah!”

Well, that, my friend, is Disney’s River Country in Florida, and it’s, well, abandoned by Disney. Along with Discovery Island- which is literally in the same lake as River Country- it’s the only Disney park to ever be flat-out abandoned.

There was one primary reason for closing River Country: the filtration systems couldn’t keep out germs from the stagnant water. In 1980, an eleven year old boy was killed by Naegleria fowleri, a virus with 95% fatality rate, attacking and devouring the nervous system and brain. I admit that’s a pretty good reason to shut down business.

Meh, could’ve been worse.

Meh, could’ve been worse.

Discovery Island is far less creepy, but its story is more akin to this one. In 2010, an urban explorer and blogger, the excellently named Shane Pérez secretly visited the island, swimming out with some friends to it like Navy SEALs, although on his blog on the Rich Fancy Blog Site, he said he wouldn’t recommend doing it again due to alligators and the aforementioned brain eating virus.

The author runs a short little paragraph for people who have never heard of Disney’s The Jungle Book, describing the basic premise and whatnot. Who the fuck hasn’t heard of The Jungle Book? If you don’t know who at least Baloo is, then you deserve to get your face eaten off by a demented costume. It’s one of those bare necessities of life, you know? See what I did there? Yeah, you see it.

Now, I’m not denying that Disney is an unspeakably evil corporation, as these two links will give plenty of information about:

http://bestforfilm.com/film-blog/10-reasons-disney-are-unspeakably-evil/

http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Disney.html\

And those prices! WOW!

I honestly don’t even want to go to Disney World, but hey, if I have a chance at seeing some hot chick’s tits on Splash Mountain, I’m gonna take it, even if my plane has a chance of exploding in midair courtesy of missile, just fucking disappear or crash.

Although, I’m definitely NOT worried about an assault rifle taking down my plane, seeing as to how that’s PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE, MR. HOLDER!!!

Although, I’m definitely NOT worried about an assault rifle taking down my plane, seeing as to how that is PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE, MR. HOLDER!!!

So, I can see them doing this. They’re a cross between SPECTRE and North Korea, with more talking mice. I can also see the locals flipping shit over this. I mean, I would, even without the redneck xenophobia. I certainly wouldn’t want them tearing down my home so that a bunch of dudes can have their dicks concealed by a loincloth, walking over the area that used to be my pool while a ride through a tunnel with singing dolls takes up my crush’s house. You know, usual reasons to flip shit.

Then, like Tank Man in Tiananmen Square, one lone redneck took the stage, breaking a board in badass protest.

Y’all not be getting’ ‘way with this. I got me three six pack and a shotguns; bring it on, hippy!

Y’all not be getting’ ‘way with this. I got me three six pack and a shotguns; bring it on, hippy!

Everyone was against it, the newspapers, the news TV crews– although those two later went Quisling on the good guys and face-heel turned against the opposition- and especially the citizens. I imagine the guys from Duck Dynasty waged a small guerilla war against the construction workers, but you know I have an overactive imagination.

Quickly! Call in air support with our duck calls!

Quickly! Call in air support with our duck calls!

But Disney, in their typical “I’m an evil corporation” attitude, ignored everyone and kept building dat shit. Apparently, people stayed in the resort, with an assload of traffic taking up the roads.

Then, they shut it all down for no clear reason whatsoever.

And the rednecks collectively laughed their asses off, throwing manure after them as Disney hightailed it out of there.

So, shit was smashed all over the place, defaced and all around ruined. There were two competing theories, that it was either the employees or rednecks; probably both, the resistance teaming up with slaves revolting against their masters. There were also rumors that Disney released aquarium animals into the water

Bullshit alert!

Sharks can’t live in freshwater, dumbasses! Okay, bull sharks and tiger sharks can, but does anyone really think they had bull sharks and tiger sharks in their aquarium tanks? More likely sand tigers, if any. But why waste sharks in an aquarium? I know what I would do if I had a shark…

Ah, now we’re past the exposition to the story and get to this dude’s story.

“Recently, I learned that corporations can actually ask Google, for example, to remove links from search results… basically for no good reason.”

This is true.

And the bane of people who want to watch Mel Gibson movies for free…

And the bane of people who want to watch Mel Gibson movies for free…

So, he asked around and everyone was useless, either rich beach couples gettin’ it on or the now elderly resistance members who cringed even mentioning Mowgli’s Palace.

I was lining up for a PTSD joke there, but that’s no laughing matter. Thank-you for your service.

I was lining up for a PTSD joke there, but that’s no laughing matter. Thank-you for your service.

Then, the guy describes a plant war raging between Disney’s invasive tropical plants and the native, beautiful North Carolina forests.

Guidons, Guidons! Black Six! Attack! Attack! Attack!

Guidons, Guidons! Black Six! Attack! Attack! Attack!

Then he describes the gates of the park as massive, monolith things made of wood with supports that “looked like they must’ve been cut from giant sequoias.” The gate wasn’t doing too well though, as North Carolina’s ecosystem had assaulted it viciously in their endless war of reclamation, with woodpeckers and bugs eating it.

“…Dr. Grant, my dear Dr. Sattler; welcome, to Mowgli’s Palace!”

“…Dr. Grant, my dear Dr. Sattler; welcome, to Mowgli’s Palace!”

Then, shit got creepy. The words “ABANDONED BY DISNEY” were scrawled all over damn place, and North Carolina’s flora was in Disney’s base, killing their dudes while this blogger ran around rampantly.

The inside of the Palace part of Mowgli’s Palace was completely gutted, but apparently this guy’s fight or flight instinct needed recalibration, because he just kept pressing on. The kitchen was all torn up, dents in the doors and smelling “like very old piss.”

The freezer had eerily swinging hooks, and again, this guy desperately needed some desperate instinctual recalibration, because he didn’t run once he saw they were swinging with no breeze.

He heard a short little conversation in one of the rooms, probably tip-toeing up to listen it like a really stupid guy in a horror movie; the one who gets killed five minutes in.

So, he left- the one smart thing this dumbass has done in this whole story, and went to snap a picture of a “statue” of a python. Damn, this story has everything! Then, the python “statue” slithered away, proving Disney had unleashed their animals in an all or nothing assault against North Carolina’s unstoppable biosphere. The python slithered off, probably going to engage an assload of alligators in mortal combat.

So, he chickens out and stupidly runs into the building, at which point my mother and father give me a strange look as I scream out “NO YOU IDIOT! GO THE OTHER WAY!” in the middle of Gone with the Wind.

He saw a sign that said “MASCOTS ONLY PLEASE! THANK-YOU!” because Disney was pretending they gave a shit about manners. The padlock was still in place there; nobody had gone down there. Hey bucko; maybe you should’ve taken heed to that!

He busted the padlock- well, the wall the lock was attached to, and descended into the bowels of the Mascots Only area. Apparently, tropic and Carolina wildlife had made this a demilitarized zone, because it was untouched. The lights were on, the air was fresh and this guy is about to die a horrible death.

“Tables had note pads and pens, there were clocks… even a punch-in clock on the wall complete with filled-out time cards. Chairs were scattered around and there was even a small break room with an old, static-filled television and long rotted-out food and drink on the counters. It was like one of those post-apocalypse movies where everything is left in the state of evacuation.”

Yeah, except this time Will Smith won’t be saving you from bad CGI monsters…

Yeah, except this time Will Smith won’t be saving you from bad CGI monsters…

So, then things got all post-rampaging like in the place, with desks and tables knocked over, papers all over the place, probably a few bodies. And everything this guy touched literally turned to shit, with wood and clothing disintegrating before him.

So, he comes up to “CHARACTER PREP NO. 1” and tries to open the door, but it doesn’t budge. What a moron.

Hey morons! Stop being morons!

Hey morons! Stop being morons!

Then, he quit and started walking away. Just as I give a sigh of relief, the door up and pops open. It was pitch black in there, and in true found-footage fashion, the guy uses his cell phone as a lantern- extremely unreliable, by the way- to explore.

He was scared shitless by the lights suddenly all flickering on at once, flickering and fading.

“We've had a doozy of a day officer. There we we're mindin’ our own business. Makin some improvements to our new vacation home. When all the sudden these kids start killin’ themselves all over my property. Now, I don't know about how much experience you've had with this kind of thing but me and Dale here, well, we were scared SHITLESS.” “Scared SHITLESS!”

“We’ve had a doozy of a day officer. There we we’re mindin’ our own business. Makin some improvements to our new vacation home. When all the sudden these kids start killin’ themselves all over my property. Now, I don’t know about how much experience you’ve had with this kind of thing but me and Dale here, well, we were scared SHITLESS.” “Scared SHITLESS!”

So, there he was, looking at all of these Disney character costumes hanging on the wall like they were in the gallows, and a rack of loincloths and racist Indian clothes in the back.

Slumped down on the floor in the center of the room was the anti-Mickey. Literally, as in he was white where he should’ve been black and black where he should’ve been white. Oh, and with blue pants for some reason. The fur was rotten and shedding all over the place, and he looked like someone had knifed him.

So, he’s snapping pictures like paparazzi (it took me three times to spell that right. Two p’s, two r’s, two z’s!), getting every single angle possible of this abomination. He reaches for a Donald Duck head to snap some demented selfie, and a frickin’ human skull falls out.

Now, personally, I would have hightailed it out of there once I set foot in the abandoned palace and made up some shit later about my findings. But this guy has to take a goddamn selfie with a duck head that has a human skull in it. If, somehow, someone had chained me down long enough to get me to stay for that, I would have screamed like a little girl and ran home crying for my mommy.

Yeah, nothing short of that will get me to go down there…

Yeah, nothing short of that will get me to go down there…

This dumbass though (I’m using that word a lot, aren’t I?) just had to take a picture of it. Well, he was going all conspiracy mode, thinking Disney was responsible for this, and wanted to reveal it to the world.

Then, the photo-negative Mickey costume stood up.

He still wanted that picture, but apparently electronics go haywire around the supernatural, and the camera died. You know what? I’ll post the remainder of the story; this is too scary. Come and get me when it’s over, okay. I’ll meet you at the finale!

What cowards! I’m right behind youse! AHHHHHHHH!

What cowards! I’m right behind youse! AHHHHHHHH!

“I raised my eyes once again to the Mickey Mouse costume.

“Hey,” it said in a hushed, perverted, but perfectly executed Mickey Mouse voice, “Wanna see my head come off?”

It started to pull at its own head, working its clumsy, glove-clad fingers around its neck with clawing, impatient movements similar to a wounded man trying to pull himself free of a predator’s jaws…

As it worked its digits into its neck… so much blood…

So much thick, chunky, yellow blood…

I turned away as I heard a sickening tearing of cloth and flesh… only cared about getting away. Above the doorway out of this room, I saw the final message clawed into the metal with bone or fingernails…

“ABANDONED BY GOD”

I never got the pictures out of the camera. I never wrote the blog entry about it. After I ran from that place, fled for my sanity if not my very life, I knew why Disney didn’t want anyone to know about this place.

They didn’t want anyone like me getting in.

They didn’t want anything like that getting out.”

“Philly,” you say, “you can come out of the corner now. Stop sucking your thumb, it’s okay…”

So, now we know. A demented, color negative Mickey Mouse pulled off its own head, with extra chunky blood falling to the ground as it took it off. Then, this guy finally bolts, probably chased by the monster mouse.

H-Hey everybody! It's me, Mickey Mouse! Do you wanna come inside my clubhouse?

H-Hey everybody! It’s me, Mickey Mouse! Do you wanna come inside my clubhouse?

And that’s where it ends.

Now, why is it scary?

Well, he leaves you hanging. That’s the appeal to every horror story to grace God’s green Earth: they don’t tell you how it ended for the protagonist. Now, this guy apparently survived (obviously from the first person perspective) but he doesn’t describe the chase, which would have been the most horrifying- and hardest to pull off scene.

The thing is, an effective writer leaves your imagination to wonder what the hell happened to the protagonist, because your imagination is much better at scaring you than other people; it’s a survival thing. If you’re always hardwired to imagine the absolute worst case scenario, then your less likely to do something stupid. I guess this guy’s sense of that was on vacation that day, because he’s a dumbass.

So, for all we know, horror Mickey could have been trying to challenge him to a game of Sudoku for all we know, or chased him around like a silly Scooby Doo villain, arms outstretched over his head shouting “Boo!”

Now, there’s two other “installments” involving a suggestion box with a stunning number of cards for not having any cards, and a murder. I’ll post links at the bottom, this article is already long enough as is.

The verdict: abandoned by Disney is just another creepypasta, a well-written one, though, by someone with way too much time on their hands. Much like myself… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Naw, I just read no-sleep; I don’t write it.

Links! Good luck sleeping tonight, asshole!

Shane Perez’s blog: http://shaneperez.blogspot.com/2009/12/discovery-island.html

Abandoned By Disney Full: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Abandoned_by_Disney

Abandoned By Disney Pt. 2, The Demented Suggestion Box: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/A_Few_Suggestions

Abandoned By Disney Pt. 3, The Reckoning: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Room_Zero

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