The Top Eleven (Or Fifteen, Depending On How You Count Them) Best Original Music Videos On YouTube

So, I’ve been watching a lot of music videos on YouTube recently; actually, that’s pretty normal, right? Who doesn’t watch YouTube videos besides undiscovered tribes, inbred cults deep in the darkest forests, malevolent shadow people and anyone who died before 2005?

Yep, that’s basically all of them right there…

Yep, that’s basically all of them right there…

But I’ve been watching the videos by original music video artists; as in, they’re only on Youtube- not CD or anything. So, Toby Keith and Maroon Five? Not on this list. These guys don’t sell their songs- except on iTunes. I’m including covers and parodies, because damn there are some good ones out there. Let’s get to it, shall we?

In no particular order here:

God Bless the U.S.A. by The Gardiner Sisters

Kicking off our list is a truly patriotic cover song. I frickin’ love these girls. They’re great singers, what can I say? Also, they’re Mormons, which is kind of a point against them, but I’m all for the First Amendment, so why bring it up? Whatever, their softer tuned version of the Lee Greenwood song really does make you “proud to be an American.”

Ah, I’m gonna go hug a soldier, I’ll be back.

Stronger by Cimorelli

Personally, I’m not as big a fan of Cimorelli as I am the Gardiner Sisters- I’ve always liked the softer songs over pop covers, but this one was too good to pass up. It’s a frickin’ amazing song sung by beautiful women and it’s at the beach! What more can a man ask for?

Answer: Not Much

Answer: Not Much

Plus, it’s going to a noble cause, helping a paraplegic girl pay for her therapy. Aww…

Pennsylvania Style by SloppySecondzMusic

Yes, SSM has a dirty sounding name, get off of my back! Anyways, this song is perfect for me: Gangnam Style? Catchy. Pennsylvania? Home state. Pennsylvania Style: a catchy, hilarious song about my home state!

By the way, Philly girls totally look like that.

pennsy

Google Translate Sings… All of Them by Malinda Kathleen Reese

I laugh my ass off every time I watch these. They’re frickin’ hilarious! Google Translate seems to have the translational powers of a mentally retarded, two month old pot-smoking chimpanzee in these videos; all of which are uproariously, piss-yourself hilarious. Here’s my three favorites:

Also, of somewhat relevant note, I used to think Iggy Azalea was a dude prior to watching the music video. Can you really blame me? “Iggy.” It’s such a guy name!

The People of Walmart by Jessica Frech

Jesus Christ these are frickin’ hilarious. Also, I like how she puts the disclaimer at the beginning of the videos assuring you she’s not making this shit up.

Also, I’m kind of uncomfortable with the idea of the White Witch living in the same dimension as us! She broke in man! The government’s hiding it! We’ve gotta stop her! She’s gonna kill us all!

What Philly didn’t realize in those final moments before being sedated was that it was far too late…

What Philly didn’t realize in those final moments before being sedated was that it was far too late…

Black Friday Night by Jessica Frech… Again

Whoah! A twofer! This one’s just hilarious, because my mother, aunt and grandmothers (from both sides of the family; they’re not lesbians you sickos!) do this same routine every single year. And I play this song for them before they set out to the Battle of Prices Round Sixteen. Also, I made my own version of the song before this one came out. Here it is, in all it’s terrible glory:

“Black Friday Night, We went shopping in the dark, We couldn’t find a spot to park, Black Friday Night…”

And that’s it. I like this version better, it’s more complete.

Shoppers of Walmart by SloppySecondzMusic… Also Again

Again with Walmart. You, you’ve got problems, Walmart. I worry about you. This one’s a lot dirtier than innocent Frechie’s, but it’s also hilarious and goddammit is it catchy!

A Soldier’s Memoir by Joe Bachman

This one’s a hell of a lot more solemn than the other songs here, but it’s important and I like it a lot. Plus, it’s important that we understand the fact that PTSD is serious and needs treatment. DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME, OBAMA? REFORM THE GODDAMN VA NOW!

To any veterans reading this, thank-you for your service.

soldier

Comin’ Home by Dave Adams

Let’s get happy again, shall we? PTSD is sad, and I don’t want this to be a sad post. This one’s for all the veterans “comin’ home to America.” It’s also badass and catchy as hell. Some of those videos *sniffle* will make you wanna cry. I’m sorry, I sniffed some pepper, I’ll be back *runs off crying*

The Final Countdown Guitar Cover by Sylphid63

I was debating whether or not to include this one, since really the only thing changed is that the guy played an electric guitar over the original song, and the fact that the guy’s username sounds vaguely like “syphilis” but decided to include it anyway because it’s an awesome electric guitar, and who gives a shit about a username?

usernames

Here it is, in all its electric guitar glory:

Aer Vis by The Warrior Project

THIS is frickin’ badass as all hell. Just… words cannot even describe the sheer awesomeness of this song. An almost chilling opening monologue, followed by strategically placed electric guitar strings, an amazing beat and the badass Curtis LeMay providing a badass quote, this is by far the best original song on YouTube I have ever heard.

Here in the air where the lead won’t lie, and the graves I’ll dig are a mile-wide!

Here in the air where the lead won’t lie, and the graves I’ll dig are a mile-wide!

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Rick Rescorla and Daniel Hill: The 9/11 Psychics

Continuing with 9/11 week here, I bring you Rick Resorcla, a badass across two centuries, but mostly this one. Badass of the Week- a site of far greater caliber than my blog- did an article on Rescorla a while back, but didn’t really mention his later heroics. Basically, he was the closest thing the human race has had to a credible future-seer since the dude who predicted Caesar’s assassination.

Rescorla delivers the Long Island Medium a message

Rescorla delivers the Long Island Medium a message

But what kind of history blog am I running here if I don’t touch on his backstory? He was born in Cornwall in 1939 and quit school to join the British Army when he was sixteen. You know what I was doing when I was sixteen? Writing this blog post. Whoa… that sounded a bit mind-screwy…

He did over the course of many years some badass shit with the Military Intelligence on Cyprus and in Rhodesia, uncovering asshole commie plots to make life miserable for people.

No word on how many zeppelins he crashed or femme fatales he boned while he did such clandestine shit…

No word on how many zeppelins he crashed or femme fatales he boned while he did such clandestine shit…

Then he wound up fighting commies in Angola and Zimbabwe in the British South African Police in the sixties. Basically, his entire early career was a cross between Skyfall and District 9 with less aliens and more communists.

Shortly thereafter he switched nationalities from James Bond to Jack Ryan and went to fight in the Vietnam War.

Eat our rotors!!!

Eat our rotors!!!

As Badass of the Week excellently demonstrated (if you want double the humor for this post, I’ll post a link to the article at the bottom for youse guys) while dudes over here, in America, were burning draft cards and bras and draft card bras, running to Canada with peace signs in the hippie buses to not go fight for their country, this fine man fucking volunteered to fight for us. As in completely optional, voluntary I-demand-you-give-me-commies-to-grease-my-rifle-barrel-with.

If a Volkswagen can survive hippies, it can survive a direct thermonuclear strike. END. OF. DISCUSSION.

If a Volkswagen can survive hippies, it can survive a direct thermonuclear strike. END. OF. DISCUSSION.

And yes, he fought in the Battle of la Drang; the first major battle in the war. The one where Sergeant Major Basil Plumley shouted “GENTLEMEN!!! PREPARE TO DEFEND YOURSELVES!!!” The one they based the movie We Were Soldiers on. Sadly, and much to his own chagrin, his story was omitted from that movie. I still recommend it though.

He also basically single-handedly saved the battalion from being overrun in a night ambush. Also, his call sign was Hard Corps One Six, which means he was essentially the semi-inspiration for this song:

As I said, Badass of the Week goes into much greater detail on his military career than I wish to here. I wanna talk about his 9/11 heroics.

And before you even THINK about it, no, Rescorla was NOT one of the brainwashed former soldiers Dylan Avery tried to use to blow up the Trade Center. Just… read my last post, it’ll make more sense.

And before you even THINK about it, no, Rescorla was NOT one of the brainwashed former soldiers Dylan Avery tried to use to blow up the Trade Center. Just… read my last post, it’ll make more sense.

He… how do you say this? He took shit fucking seriously, working for Morgan Stanley/Dean Witter in corporate security in the World Trade Center.

After the 1988 bombing of Pan Am 103 over Scotland…

… he got worried about a terrorist attack on the World Trade Center. So, he called in his old friend from Rhodesia who was trained in counterterrorism, Daniel Hill, to assess its security. They also probably bullshitted about some battle they got involved in in a city that started with a “B.”

Rescorla asked Hill how he would attack the building if he wanted to bring it down, and the two went on a trip down to the parking garage, without getting stopped by any security, to assess the towers’ weakpoints.

Pictured: Hill finding the weakpoints

Pictured: Hill finding the weakpoints

The spot Hill picked was a very easily reached load bearing column and basically said that if he were a terrorist, he’d shove a bunch of dynamite up a truck’s ass, ram the pillar, run away and set it off.

In light of this, Rescorla and Hill wrote a report to the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, insisting they needed more security down there.

If nothing else, at LEAST to keep the monsters down there…

If nothing else, at LEAST to keep the monsters down there…

But, the Port Authority gave them a big, fat wad of bureaucracy and said it was too damn expensive.

Cut ahead to 1993 and they ate their words. As you know, the exact scenario Hill predicted happened, only it didn’t take down the tower.

Rescorla, saying “fuck the authorities, they’re hopeless!” decided to take matters into his own hands and hired Hill as a security consultant to analyze the building’s security. In case you haven’t noticed, he was really determined to not have shit hit the fan on his watch, or at least have a plan of action if it did.

So- and no arrests had been made as of this point- Rescorla deduced that the bombings were probably planned by Muslims, either Palestinians or Iraqis. Hill went full undercover and fucking infiltrated the fucking Muslim religion after letting his beard grow out and attend services at several mosques in New Jersey under the guise of an anti-American radical, speaking fluent Arabic to flawlessly infiltrate them, probably constantly humming  Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the U.S.A.” under his breath so the whole thing wouldn’t backfire and actually turn him into a radical anti-American.

If that doesn’t motivate you to fight your enemies, nothing will.

So Hill- legally not even a mall cop– got followers of the radical Sheikh Omar Abdel Rahman convicted of the bombing.

This also culminated with Hill storming the Sheikh’s yacht and rescuing untold numbers of sex slaves

This also culminated with Hill storming the Sheikh’s yacht and rescuing untold numbers of sex slaves

You know, one of the lovely things about real life is that it’s so much more insane than fiction, so I’ll tell you right now that I made approximately zero percent of the following up.

After the bombing, Rescorla thought that Morgan Stanley should move out of the Trade Center because he thought it was still a prime terrorist target, and thought the next one might involve planes.

Again though, his words went ignored, although he did get everyone from the top executives to the lowly cubicle drones to practice evacuation drills every three months. Rescorla understandably thought that the authorities were fucking useless after they failed to listen to him in 1990, so he didn’t believe first responders would be very reliable in an emergency. As such, he planned surprise fire drills at random intervals to keep everyone on their toes for the real thing.

surprise

Obviously, all of the higher-up executives despised him for getting in the way of their work with his super-secret birthday surprise party fire drills, but those fucks should be grateful now. Also, he timed them, as if he couldn’t get any more badass.

Dammit Atkinson! You’re .00001 seconds late! Run back to the top! NO ELEVATORS!!!

Dammit Atkinson! You’re .00001 seconds late! Run back to the top! NO ELEVATORS!!!

Also, Rescorla and Hill were no fan of the police response at Columbine. Honestly, they seriously said this: The police were sitting outside while kids were getting killed. They should have put themselves between the perpetrators and the victims. That was abject cowardice.” Rescorla felt that if he and Hill were younger, they “could have flown to Colorado, gone in that building, and ended that shit before the law did.”

And I would have done it too, but I’m kind of swamped with averting other disasters here. Guys, gimme just a FIVE MINUTE BREAK!!!

And I would have done it too, but I’m kind of swamped with averting other disasters here. Guys, gimme just a FIVE MINUTE BREAK!!!

When the first plane hit the North Tower on September 11th, Rescorla was just sitting in his office, probably fiddling with a pencil or brandishing his Bowie knife when he dramatically turned to see the explosion just across the street.

His higher-ups ordered him not to use his evacuation plan, because, well, he said it best over a quick phone call to Dan Hill, who was watching it on TV: “The dumb sons of bitches told me not to evacuate. They said it’s just Building One. I told them I’m getting my people the fuck out of here.”

This not-so retired badass said “fuck that shit” and jumped into action, his crazy Nostradamus shit suddenly not so crazy as he evacuated two-thousand and seven hundred people out of the tower within seventeen minutes of the North Tower being hit. All those people were long out before the South Tower was hit. His executive-annoying antics had lowered the casualty rate by almost 3,000.

He sang old Cornish folk songs to calm the people as he evacuated them, and gave a tearful goodbye to his wife, saying “Stop crying. I have to get these people out safely. If something should happen to me, I want you to know I’ve never been happier. You made my life.”

tears

One of his friends- not Hill- said that everyone had to get out NOW, Rescorla refused. “As soon as I make sure everyone else is out!” he assured, running back up.

He was last seen on the 10th floor heading up, shortly before the South Tower collapsed at 9:59am.

He died saving innocent people’s lives. He fought for us in Vietnam; he died for us on September 11th. Let that sink in.

God Bless, and…

 neverforget

http://www.badassoftheweek.com/rescorla.html

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