The Debunker Files: The 9/11 Conspiracy

This is a big one. THE big one; the elephant in the living room of mysteries. It happened thirteen years ago, and yet it’s still so fresh in our minds, the horror of our nation under attack by a foreign enemy for the first time since 1941. I was only three when it happened, and yet it’s terribly sad that I care more about it and know more about it than fucking college students.

You are all disgraces to your country.

I have never watched Loose Change. I never intend to; I already know it’s an assload of bullshit. However, I have met a person who has seen it. He’s an asshole. A complete and utter jackass to me, solely because I’m a level-minded conservative. Seriously. He’s the anti-me. An ultra-liberal, conspiracy theorist and a NEW Atheist- I find the need to BOLDLY EXLCAIM THE “NEW” PART BECAUSE MOST REGULAR ATHEISTS AREN’T ASSHOLES AND ARE ACTUALLY RATHER AMIABLE. He also thinks the U.S. didn’t land on the Moon, but that’s another Debunker Files topic for another time. But anyways, he seemed to be rather… not clear on his reasons why the government would even want to do something like this.

That’s the big issue: forget if they did it for a few paragraphs; why would they even want to. What do they gain from it?

“Oil, man!” says Dylan Avery, the nongender who directed Loose Change. I say “nongender” because he’s not a man, but he’s not even manly enough to be a woman, for Kim Campbell and Joan of Arc have proven that woman have balls, dammit. So, he’s nongendered.

Well, Dylan, you’re wrong. Where does the United States get its oil from? Let’s look at data from Energy Trends Insider, shall we?

Move it along paragraphs! Make way for the big chart!

Move it along paragraphs! Make way for the big chart!

So, we’ve actually taken less oil from Iraq since the invasion, and Afghanistan is such a loser it didn’t even make the chart. The article also states that the all time high for U.S. imports of Iraqi oil was in 2001. Right… before… the attacks…. Also, somehow we took on an assload of Texas Tea from Colombia, completely out of left field. Hmm…

Also, what sane government would purposely bomb its own military nexus? Did you think of that, Dylan. Even the most psychopathic loon North Korea has to offer wouldn’t bomb their main military command center. Why would we? It’s shooting ourselves in the foot; it accomplishes nothing. I thought your conspiracy guys were supposed to be cunning…

Alright, now that I’ve poked a goddamn sinkhole in that theory, what’s your next point, Dylan

“Uh, well, you’re stupid! And the towers went down in a controlled demolition!”

Who rigged them up?

“Uh… the military! Yeah, they sound evil enough… they did it!”

What part of it? Honestly, these are people whose entire job is to protect their country, not kill 3,000 of its citizens! Besides, we all know that disgruntled military members only hijack tanks…

And even if they managed to swing a few disgruntled psycho soldiers- or regular, brainwashed Marines (oh, that sounds like a good plot for a spy movie. Somebody do that!) over to rig up the buildings, how the fuck did nobody notice? Hmm? They were punching holes in the building for a controlled demolition! Do you know how many people worked in the Twin Towers daily? One hundred thousand. Holy shit; I see maybe a quarter that many people in my entire day on public transit, counting out the window.

But, it could be done, right? I mean, sure our guys have to work under cover of darkness and hide every last bit of bomb and torn out wall by day, but sure, why not? They’d only need over eight thousand charges, right? It took four-thousand to bring down the J.L. Hudson department store. Those guys, even with important things like the building not being full of people and the operation being legal, took seven fucking months to rig it up right. Building demolition isn’t just “shit man, let’s just put a firecracker in this corner and a 37 kiloton nuke in that one”; that’s precise shit there! One misplaced charge and you accidentally bring down two buildings, but we’ll talk about that in a second.

Remember meeeeeeeeee.....

Remember meeeeeeeeee…..

And nobody notices. Ever. Honestly? Sometimes, when I have deja vu, I seriously ponder if my entire life isn’t just a simulation with all the people being robots! You’re telling me that nobody out of one hundred thousand people was even the slightest bit weirded out by the… different drywall. Or the fact that their desk is a bit more slanted than they remember, because one asshole brainwashed jarhead bumped into it while running the detonator coil back to Evil Headquarters.

That's a REALLY LONG DETONATOR WIRE!!!!!!!

That’s a REALLY LONG DETONATOR WIRE!!!!!!!

Nobody notices all the trucks with detonators and charges sticking out of them sitting in the back lot. Nobody from one of the neighboring buildings videotapes- even just out of curiosity- the workers shuffling in and out of the building like the soulless pod people they are, carrying big, bulky bombs in their arms. In a world where we take pictures of our cats and treat them like Van Gogh pieces, I find this wholly, completely, fucking retardedly unrealistic.

Security notices nothing. Video cameras are all glitching out. Bomb sniffing dogs need to get their sniffers checked.

 

Fido, voiced by Paul Newman, is a disgraced former sniffer dog who failed in his duty and inadvertently caused a national tragedy. Now, he's a soldier for hire, private detective ninja pirate dog on a mission to save the adjutant governor's daughter from space alien mobsters while cracking a cipher that will lead him to the Temple of Mysterious MacGuffin's Treasure...

Colonel Fido, voiced by Paul Newman, is a disgraced former sniffer dog who failed in his duty and inadvertently caused a national tragedy. Now, he’s a soldier for hire, private detective ninja pirate dog on a mission to save the adjutant governor’s daughter from space alien mobsters while cracking a cipher that will lead him to the Temple of Mysterious MacGuffin’s Treasure…

“But Philly, all those people that could have stopped it were paid into silence!” whines Avery.

Oh really? Who the fuck on this planet has enough money to pay off FEMA, NIST, American Society of Civil Engineers, Popular Mechanics and the motherfucking New York City Fire Department, and everyone else involved?

“The government!!!”

Come on! Let’s assume they all go by my standards- my lowest, realistic standards- on what I would need for silence: 500 million.

I have high aspirations for life, okay?

I have high aspirations for life, okay?

So, let’s whup out our calculators here and… what? You didn’t bring yours? FINE! I’ll do all the fucking work myself! You people are so ungrateful!

Alright, 120,000 civil engineers- I find it of note that that’s more people than worked in the Trade Centers- 7,500 FEMA employees, 2,900 NIST employees, fifty top-ranking NYFD officials willing to let their coworkers get brutally burned to death and buried under thousands of pounds of skyscraper and ballpark estimate a hundred guys at Popular Mechanics- just the big names involved- and that rounds us out to 65,275,000,000,000.

Also known as: HOLY SHIT BRICKS A FUCKTON OF MONEY!!!! That makes the national debt of 17 trillion look like goddamn peanuts! So, no Avery, the government could not have funded this, even if they really wanted to.

“But the towers did go down in a controlled demolition! There’s no other way for it to have happened! The towers were designed to take a plane crash! And no other office building ever collapsed due to fire! And you’re still stupid!”

Well, that may be, but you’re still wrong. See, the Twin Towers were built to withstand an impact from a Boeing 707- the most common airliner of the day- and a fuel-starved, terribly lost one innocently trying to find its way back to the airport…

M-Mommy? Where are you, mommy?

M-Mommy? Where are you, mommy?

.. and not, say, a fully-loaded 757 fresh from Logan International on their way across the country. Also, no office building was ever left without water on it for that long. This was mostly because that would need a really long ass hose. They never had a chance to fight fire with… water.

You're gonna need a bigger truck...

You’re gonna need a bigger truck…

Really the only thing they could do was spit on it, and even then the NYFD was kind of swamped bringing people down with no elevators to do even that. Also, the plane’s initial impact killed the sprinklers, in cold blood. Poor smoke detectors never even had a chance. Never forget.

“But Philly,” Avery whines, “the Empire State Building got hit by a bomber in WWII, and it survived just fine!”

Touche...

Touche…

Yeah, but, believe it or not, the Empire State building is significantly more durable than the World Trade Center was. This conclusively proves that art deco is superior to modernism, but also describes perfectly something I described above. The Empire State Building was hit by a B-25 Mitchell, one of the most interesting warplanes of all time…
I don't always spend thirty seconds over Tokyo, but when I do, I follow up by disappearing into the Monongahela River, crash mysteriously in a UFO conspiracy and get a starring role dogfighting a dragon in a Zack Snyder movie...

I don’t always spend thirty seconds over Tokyo, but when I do, I follow up by disappearing into the Monongahela River, crash mysteriously in a UFO conspiracy and get a starring role dogfighting a dragon in a Zack Snyder movie…

… but this one in particular was hopelessly lost and fuel-starved in the fog and just sort of blundered into the skyscraper. But c’mon; we all know the real reason they crashed into it:
Perhaps today IS a good day to die! Prepare for ramming speed!

Perhaps today IS a good day to die! Prepare for ramming speed!

“W-Well what about the no stand down order? From NORAD? Hmm? They were clearly in on it!”

Actually, before 9/11, NORAD didn’t even monitor American airspace. Their job was kind of to make sure Russia didn’t fuck America with missiles, not worry about aircraft hijackings. And they DID send up two jets, to intercept Flight 93. That’s another story for another time, but I’ll touch upon it a bit.

Lieutenant Heather “Lucky” Penney was scrambled in her F-16 Fighting Falcon with very clear orders: fuck Flight 93 with any weapons she had, at this point confirmed hijacked. Problems? Yeah, she had no weapons with which to fuck the hijacked aircraft. No missiles, no guns. Her jet was a declawed kitten in the realm of air combat. Her plan of action? Make good on Worf’s eternal words and ram the damn thing.

Seriously.

Ahmed, who in the name of Allah is Leeroy Jenkins?

Ahmed, who in the name of Allah is Leeroy Jenkins?

Thankfully, she and the other badass pilot in the air at the time, Colonel Marc Sasseville, didn’t have to go kamikaze on Flight 93. The passenger revolt made sure of that. Which brings me right into my next interruption from Dylan. What is it now, Dylan?

“Everyone on Flight 93 was in on it too!”

You sick fuck! Haven’t you ever heard or read about the phone calls? Todd Beamer and the other passengers!

“But there was no wreckage! No wreckage, no plane!”

Allow me to let my pictures do the talking:

Pictured: wreckage

Pictured: wreckage

Also pictured: wreckage.

Pictured: more wreckage.

“What about the Pentagon? Obvious missile hit! There’s not even any wing marks!”

Well, I think this video sums it up rather nicely:

Sorry it wasn’t very funny. Or sound-y.

Is that all?

“No! What about World Trade Center 7? That wasn’t hit by any planes and it collapsed!”

Uh, it spent eight goddamn hours taking a shower with debris from the North Tower like a meteor storm. Of course it’s gonna collapse after taking that kind of punishment.

“And the NYFD said ‘pull it down’ right before it collapsed!”

What kind of talk is that? They did not! They said “pull it!” Meaning “get out, the building’s unstable!” Not “evil, evil, evil, blow it up with our comical pump detonator while twirling our moustaches! Nyah!”

Actually, now that I think of it, didn’t you have a thing on Loose Change’s website a while ago saying flat out that this was all fake, and that you made it all up wholecloth? Yeah, I’m pretty sure you did. Here, I’ll check it out…

loosechange

Hmm, well that’s odd. Let me refresh it…

loosechange

Hey, Dylan, why isn’t this thing showing up?

“Uh, no reason?”

Is that a question or an answer?

“Do you want 500 million dollars?”

HOLY FUCK!!! You did it! You caused 9/11!!!

“Well, technically I just hired al Qaeda to do the dirty work for me, but hey, 500 millis, man!”

You sick fuck! How dare you! Do you think I’ll accept that?

“Uh, Yeah…”

No! I refuse! FOX! CNN! MSNBC! New York Times! TIME! EVERYONE GET YOUR ASSES OVER HERE NOW!!!

NOOOO! We’ve worked far to long at this for you to fuck it all up now! Philly, prepare to die!”

What are you doing? Put the gun down!

“No! I’ll have to kill you now, now that you’ve exposed us!”

Quick, Avery! Look! A news crew! Bask in the attention you so desperately crave!

“This is CNN! Dylan, what’s going on here?”

“Uh, nothing. Everything’s fine.”

Like lightning, I draw my radio. “Hey, Lt. Heather, I’m gonna need air support and I’m gonna need it fast.”

“Who did you just call?” Dylan demands.

"THIS time we brought missiles, bitch!!!"

“THIS time we brought missiles, bitch! Colonel, let’s do this! HEEEEEAAATHER PENNEEEEEEEEYYY!!!!!!”

“Oh shi-“

Whoo-hoo! Disaster averted! Hi-five, guys! I’m gonna go watch Non-Stop now, okay?  Here’s some links to the fine fucks whose research I shamelessly stole but honorably credit for this article:

 

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